alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
