mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
