why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
