my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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