direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
