i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
