yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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