i wish my penis had a tongue
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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