grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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