Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
