Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
