someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
