dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
