dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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