he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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