HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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