I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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