So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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