so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
