Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
