final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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