I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
