cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
