meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
