I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
