I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
