You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
