The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
