I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
