So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
