Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
