I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
