she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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