he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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