is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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