tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
