new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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