i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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