Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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