Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
