I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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