Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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