so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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