Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
