so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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