somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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