just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
