I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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