i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
