If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
